The attention just encourages her

d. sharon Pruitt24, flickr, creative commons

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bull. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ― Jim Morrison

Drama queen. Melodramatic. Overreactive. Attention Seeking. Attention —- (insert your nasty moniker of choice). We’ve all heard them before. Thrown around when a person is annoyed or frustrated with another person’s behavior; I don’t think most people even realize that this too is a form of stigma. You’re invalidating the experiences and opinions of someone. They don’t realize that the message behind those words is so potentially detrimental to another person.

It’s a cultural thing in a way. We’re often taught from an early age to “buck up”. Hold things in, put on your big girl pants and get over it.. Because if I can get up every morning and deal with what life throws at me, why the heck can’t you!?  We’re not taught that anxiety means a lot more than just “hey, this is kind of uncomfortable for me.” Or that depression is so much more than “I’m pretty upset right now.” Or even that the slightest random little thing can become a trigger, which is a bigger deal than just being something you don’t like to be around. These feelings can be all encompassing, to the point often of being crippling, and need to be understood better.

I’m here to say that I am tired.

I am tired of being told that I am not allowed to be depressed because someone somewhere in this world has it worse. I am tired of being told that I am overreacting to something simply because it is a big deal to me, and not to the other person. And most of all, I am tired of being told to stop being so “attention seeking” when I react.

All human beings are social creatures. Some more than others, in a variety of different forms and methods. We operate as a species from such a wide variety of life experiences that it is foolish and ignorant to take someone’s emotions and decide they are invalid. Some seek attention through “negative” means because they have never known any other way. Some are just plain fed up with not getting attention through more socially acceptable methods to the point that even negative attention is better than nothing.  That doesn’t make them a “bad” person. Just a person who copes with things differently than you, and that can with time and effort be guided in the right direction.

Instead of shaming or stigmatizing people,  what we need to practice is support. If a person is making an effort to reach out to you, through whatever means that may be, at least it is an effort. At least this person recognizes they may not be able to get through something all by themselves.  I’m not talking about those whose lives thrive on creating chaos around them, that is entirely different, although still valid. They too are still human. I’m talking about the girl who in a moment of loneliness and desperation makes a suicide threat because she legitimately feels like nobody cares. The person struggling with circumstantial and perhaps other mental hurdles, who is venting because if they don’t get it out somehow they feel like they might explode. The person who is so tired of being constantly bombarded with neverending optimism from others that it’s starting to feel condescending.

Listen folks: sometimes LIFE SUCKS. This is a fact, and that is ok. It is ok to be sad, or angry or any other number of emotions. When we arrived here on this earth what was the first thing we did? We CRIED. Because we were small, helpless and frighted, and needed support. Because we were alive, and part of being alive is to feel.

So the next time someone in your life is having an emotional reaction to something, I want you to do something for me. Don’t offer advice unless they ask,  don’t tell them “Oh I totally understand” if you’ve never been where they are, don’t patronize and say “It’s ok” because in that moment, no it is most certainly not ok.  All I want you to do is listen.

Brittany Bell is our guest blogger.  She is a 24 year old youth advocate at Youth MOVE Massachusetts who is studying to become a youth counselor.  She hopes to bring awareness and support to the learning disability and mental health communities by sharing her experiences.

 

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6 Responses to The attention just encourages her

  1. Sharon says:

    Brittany – My 12 yo son is going through some adolescent hurdles and your words are so encouraging and true. Thank you for your good work.

  2. Nancy says:

    Brittany, I agree with you that feeling pain is part of who we are. It’s wired into our DNA as a way to protect us. Thank you for reminding us of this and for reminding us not to give that unsolicited advice. Also, no one should invalidate what you are feeling. I think often that happens because of their own discomfort. That’s their issue. To play the devil’s advocate a little, I am the parent of someone a little older than you and the same as a Jim Morrison when he died. When your child becomes an adult, you still hate to see them in pain. But more so, you worry. So do I poke and probe and ask questions, yes, guilty as charged. Hopefully I strike the right balance.

  3. Elaine Arsenault says:

    Thank you for your words. When my daughter was having a difficult time I would want to make her feel better. It has taken me years to realize that all I need to do is be there, to listen and not give her advise. You made me understand how important this is.
    Thank you

  4. Cathy says:

    Brittany, Excellent blog! People need to become better at listening myself included. I have worked hard on this skill through my journey with my son who suffers from mental illness. Thank you for bringing awareness to this ongoing problem.

  5. lori says:

    Yes, it’s be hard for me not to always offer advice. I’m still trying and learning. thanks for your blog

  6. Carol Matzner says:

    Very well said Brittany. I like the Jim Morrison quote at the beginning. You took that quote and gave it more meaning for me. I think it takes a lot of strength to be with all of our feelings. I mostly appreciate your advice about the importance of listening. Thanks for your article.