I have been angry for a long time, and I have let that anger overpower me without actually thinking about it. All I knew was that as awful as I felt, it still felt good to have something other than myself be in control, and I held on to it like a lifesaver while I tried to keep from drowning in the sea of heartache, loss and betrayal that became my life. Although I looked to the anger to save me, and even grew to kind of love it in a weird way, it didn’t come without a price.
With that anger came long and severe bouts of depression. Some days I was so desperate to stay home that I deluded myself into believing that I was physically ill, giving me the perfect excuse to cancel whatever plans I had for the day, or the entire week. I cried often, too; at home, in the car, in the grocery store, in my sleep. Everywhere. I knew I was angry and I knew I was in pain, but I didn’t know what I needed to do in order to make it stop, nor was I sure I wanted it to stop. I was comfortable in my misery. Of course, people were concerned and I got the attention I wanted and needed by outwardly expressing my anger. Other times, I was less dramatic, even secretive, and relied on my self-mutilation to communicate to those around me that I was in pain.
Very recently, a family friend took their life, and it was devastating and a real shock. I know what you’re thinking- this was my turn around. This was that life changing moment that made me realize that I didn’t want to be angry and depressed anymore, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Their death, their choice to take their own life made me think that if it was so easy for them to just end it, then why couldn’t it be just as easy for me?
I started obsessing about the idea of suicide. I didn’t exactly have a well thought out plan, but I thought that if I could just do it, get it over with, everything would be better. So I spent hours on the internet researching everything I could about suicide- the history, famous people who’d done it, different methods. To be honest, I was completely frightened by the fact that I was actually considering suicide, but I was also being extremely willful. I felt like this might be the best option. It was either that or live in pain and perpetual confusion about how I was feeling for the rest of my life.
So I started a Pro and Con list to see whether the pros or the cons about suicide would outweigh the other. Some of the cons: I would never see my family again, never see my boyfriend, my rabbits or my friends. I’d miss the trees, the stars, the moon and Harry Potter. And the pros: no more depression, no more crying, no more hurting my loved ones, no more hurting myself, and best of all, I’d get to see my father. And that’s when it hit me. The reason I’d been so angry everyday for what seems like an eternity was because I was holding on to the day my father died, every day after that and all of the events that transpired due to his death. I was angry at him for leaving me, I was angry because it was, and still is, unfair that I’ll never be able to see him again and I was angry because life was hard without him. So I held on to that anger because it was like holding on to him, and if I let go of that anger, well then I was letting go of him, too. I thought that if I didn’t get upset while thinking about him, if I didn’t cry, then I didn’t care about him, and that somehow made me a horrible daughter.
After a lot of reflection and a lot of talking and exposure, I think I’m starting to see that I can live my life while missing my dad. I still have days that I can’t seem to shake this insurmountable grief that I have, but I’m finding that I am enjoying things that I haven’t been able to in a long time. I’ve ceased my research on suicide and instead replaced it with research on holistic living, something my father also cherished. I wouldn’t say that I’m happy now, that my anger is completely gone, but I’m getting there, and I can’t help but hope that my father would be proud.
Chandra Watts is our guest blogger. She is a young adult who draws on her own life to change how the world sees mental illness. She is one of the founding members of Youth MOVE Massachusetts.