Staying quiet

children-209779_960_720The night my brother blackened both of my eyes in a violent, alcohol-induced rage,  I think you could hear a pin drop. I wonder if I’ll ever forget the sound of his fists on my cheek; my skin was so young, so soft, that I felt like they absorbed every inch of his knuckles. My mother watched. She sobbed, she yelled. She was his next target. When I called the police, they both tried to act like everything was fine. My mother, desperate to protect her teenage son, so lost in his addiction and mental health needs, begged them not to bring him to jail. “She shouldn’t have called you, I’m sorry guys,” my mother expressed, only minutes after her head was lifted from the hardwood floor. “I think she did the right thing,” said one officer. The other said, “What do you want us to do with your brother?” My mother shot me a look and I mumbled, “It’s fine.” I remember her straightening up, as if getting ready to protect him. “Are you sure sweetheart?” he asked again. “She’s sure!” my mother quickly interjected. I nodded. Avoided eye contact. Stayed quiet.

When I went to school the next morning, neither of my parents asked me if I felt up to it, if I was okay. All of my friends thought my boyfriend had hit me, and vowed that everything would be alright if I told them the truth. As I had gotten used to, I remained silent. What was I going to say, that my 6’2” brother beat me to a pulp, and that his eyes had glazed over and hardened, had never seemed to really see me? No one wanted to hear that. People knew how siblings fought, sometimes roughed each other up a little, all in good fun. Most of my friends thought I was an only child.

In the weeks following the incident, I would run up to my room and lock my door. I thought about running away, or moving in with a close friend. I got so far as to get her parents’ approval. I got straight A’s in school, had a lot of friends, did sports, and was a pretty good kid. Every ounce of my effort went into maintaining this picture. No one knew that my anxiety disorder would often get so bad, that panic attacks would disable me for minutes at a time. My severe depression crippled me, making me fall asleep on the floor crying. It made me turn to self harming to feel any sense of control at all. I spiraled in silence, and no one noticed.

When I expressed interest in relocating for my safety, my mother vehemently denied any possibility or need to do so. If my brother got through a day sober, it meant, to her, that things were looking up. I would be fine at home, and I was making things worse again, like the night I had called for help. I heard that that night  was my fault, time and time again. I was told this to my face, with my purple, hollow eyes looking back at her. I nodded. Avoided eye contact. Stayed quiet.

It’s all too common that the siblings of individuals with substance abuse or mental health needs go unnoticed. These crises upset an entire household, especially young, impressionable siblings. They may even get blamed for triggering an episode. These individuals grow up believing that their sibling’s violence and instability is their fault, and that they can do something to help. The trauma they witness will remain with them forever; many will never receive the recognition or support they deserve to help them heal too.

It’s important that the siblings of individuals with substance abuse and/or mental health concerns have their voices heard. They often hide in the shadows, trying not to make waves. I felt shrouded in shadows for so long, that when I moved out on my own after high school, the light nearly burned my skin. People asked about me and my experiences, and I started to tell them. I began paying attention to what I nodded to. My eye contact became strong, resilient, almost defiant against what I had borne witness to in years past. And I stopped being quiet. My voice has become loud and unwavering, and it’s a gift that I use whenever I am able.

Our guest blogger is a young adult who wishes to write anonymously

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7 thoughts on “Staying quiet

  1. Sibling story so real and true! Thank you for your remarkable story of courage and growth in a family with our story too.
    Sibling spillover and the challenges are at times not discussed for fear and so hard when it is the family adapting to what is happening.
    May your story give many others the time to talk about it, and the parents to listen to allow healing all around….

    Thank you…

  2. Thank you for sharing this important story! Please know that there are resources available to support siblings of people with mental health needs. Here are a few of them:
    1. Informational brochure about the impact of mental illness on siblings: http://www.mass.gov/anf/docs/mddc/supporting-siblings-2012.pdf.
    2. UMass Medical School offers a hospital-based program for siblings of youth admitted for psychiatric hospitalization: http://shriver.umassmed.edu/sites/shriver.umassmed.edu/files/Sibling-Support-Program-Accessible-072015_0.pdf.
    3. The Massachusetts Sibling Support Network can be found at http://www.masiblingsupport.org/.
    4. The Massachusetts branch of NAMI has terrific resources for family members.

    Good luck to you and others in similar situations. Knowledge is power!
    Emily

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