What’s the elephant in the room?

elephant2I remember being a child and planning what my life would be like. I was a natural caretaker and it was comforting for me to take care of people. From a early age I spent time with my grandparents and first they took care of me while later I took care of them.  It was a family dynamic built on love and kindness. As I grew up I supported my siblings in many ways – sometimes more than they liked. My brothers would challenge me. They were sometimes my best friends and sometimes my worst enemies.  I continued to see my cousins who lived next store and were neighbors. We had our own little gang in a small town outside of Worcester.  We were in many ways innocent but challenging too. Today it would be called bullying but for us it was protection, a voice and connection to make sure that we watched each other’s backs.

I remember the days when we would make sure that people on the bus wouldn’t tease any of us in our little group.   We actually made a bus driver upset once and cry as we stood up after one of us was called a jerk. Today, that would be suspension and if anything maybe even being kicked off the bus.  Back then our parents were called, we apologized, learned a lesson.  We taught the bus driver a lesson too — that none of us would allow for someone to be mean to one of our own.   We were  close in age and I remember staying back a grade and being taunted about it over and over again by this boy. My cousin, who was just 6 months older, gave out a punch to create a black eye and bloody lip to the kid who teased me on the playground. He was certainly talked to.  But yet again the other kids knew that we were a group and to be careful if you were not nice or fair to any one of us.

As I grew older and had children. the laws, language and the responses changed. My children, just like in my old neighborhood, had their “group”  and you couldn’t call it a gang as that is not socially appropriate. They would stick up for each other but the things that they did related to a challenge. It was hard.  One time my son was scared and took a letter opener from a teacher’s desk.  He was instantly suspended and no discussion. The principal had left him alone in the room and he was having hallucinations that someone was going to hurt him. He didn’t talk to anyone  but just took the opener.  Of course I explained to him  the meaning of “safe” and “unsafe” behavior.  (This was another set of terms I really do not remember being taught so strongly.  Back then, it was right or wrong with no in between).  For my son, I would have to advocate and discuss with the school why they should allow him to come to school again.

There were other incidents as I raised my children and I would look at my childhood memories and compare.  It was like us years ago being the bully and victim in the same day but now the school had a very different response.  Because my child that wasn’t falling on the developmental chart, he wasn’t labeled as being “Delayed”  instead I was told he was “healthy” except he  would struggle over and over again.  He would be teased with no one to stick up for him, he would do something back and get blamed.  It was an up and down battle as I would ask for the skills to be taught – one of mediation, and advocacy for a friend that would allow growth, responsibility and honesty.  But the difference was that I wanted there to be an opportunity of learning, generalizing and most of all being supported as he learned.

Teachers would be trained on how to recognize and deal with bullying year after year. But I often wondered, Did they also get education or professional development on mental health, trauma, or loss/grief in children?  It is hard to ask for help from a teacher that has no training.  Even after the tragedy in Newton, CT – that was going to be the conversation we had.  Here we are still with the same professional development days: Bullying, CPR, MCAS, and the Massachusetts framework and curriculum.   Where are the trainings on mental health, trauma, adoption/loss / grief, and mediation for children? I wanted to know.

I wish that a PTO would be open to teaching teachers about ALL children. Not just the soccer kids!

Teachers have an amazing and unique job to be with children 6 hours of the day, to teach them a variety of subjects.  But what about skills of learning what do in a difficult situation and how to deal with problems so that society accepts you as a child?  I believe that is the responsibility of the community, school and parent.

Let’s discuss the elephant in the room and get real results!

Meri Viano is our guest blogger.  She is the parent of two sons and a daughter who continue to inspire her blog posts.

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3 thoughts on “What’s the elephant in the room?

  1. Meri,

    This is a very well-written article on an important issue in our schools. As a former student who never really fit my school’s idea of “the norm”, I have seen first-hand the obvious avoidance of teachers’ education around topics that have gained much more awareness today, like mental health, trauma, grief, hyperactivity, and so much more.Every time I had to leave school for a “psychiatric hiatus”, as one teacher called it, I returned with little to no support, and an attitude from the school towards my situation that was completely unchanged. I felt very unsupported by my teachers and administration, and it definitely felt like most people in my school had no idea what to do with me. Thank you for highlighting this lack of training and education in such a simple yet eloquent way!

  2. I have always believed that all teachers should spend 6 – 12 months working at a Residential Treatment Facility for children with emotional and behavior issues. It would teach them how to help those children with issues not routinely worked on, in a public school setting. Many of those issues mentioned by Meri.

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