Redefining family

It’s been hard having to deal with a diagnosed mental health challenge for most of my life. Every day I have to be aware of where my emotions are heading, how low is “too low” and the difference between seriously wanting to die and just having a really bad day.  I have to have the recognition that, at least right now, one of the major reasons for my prolonged stability is taking the right combination of psychiatric medications consistently every day.  Having to deal with all of that, and adding a clear lack of family support on top of it, made my journey to my now-almost-four-years of stability a much harder place to get to.

Growing up in a big family, a relatively happy person in a relatively safe small town, family was important to me. Being adopted, I already knew family didn’t have to be blood-related, but as far as I was concerned being part of a family, even an adoptive one, meant that we all looked out for each other. And that even if we had challenges or conflicts, that family was family and you never turned your back on them.

That all changed when I hit an all-time low in my mental health journey when I was 19. I’d been hospitalized off and on about six times before that over a three year period, but I was always able to change a medication, continue therapy, and get back to my life in the community. That year, though, I was hospitalized 13 times, had been admitted to and decided to quit my partial-hospital program twice, and had switched therapists multiple times. On top of all of that, all of a sudden, the little emotional support from my family that I had been receiving was taken away.

I was in the lowest emotional spot I’d been in my life, and now even my family couldn’t stand being around me anymore. In this particular circumstance, I was told by my parent during an inpatient hospitalization, during a three minute phone call, that I would not be welcome to come back home after I got out, leaving me effectively homeless. This one phone call extended that admission for over a month due to my increased suicidality and hopelessness.

Four years later, I have learned some valuable lessons about family through the few rough years that followed that phone call. I’ve learned that family is however you want to define it, and whomever you want to include in that definition. It doesn’t have to be blood-related, or a legal bond, like adoption. It can be whomever you feel is your family.

For me, I now have a self-made family that is my most important support system. It’s made up of close friends from all walks of life who I have chosen to become my family. They’re the adult supporters who cheered me on when I became homeless and supported my decisions in my mental healthy journey. They knew that I was capable of more and stood by my side to help me achieve it. They’re former clinicians who went above and beyond their job descriptions and to this day maintain a connection with me. And they are peers from all walks of life and age groups who sat by my side and heard my lamentations and knew where I was coming from because they’ve experienced challenges too. Peers who would validate my situation, but also wouldn’t let me drown in the despair because they knew all too well the dangers of dwelling too long in the deep end.

I think one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn for my own mental well-being is the recognition that even if people are supposed to be family, it is unrealistic to expect support when  that person is not capable of being that supportive person for you. And for me, in my individual journey, that recognition also meant forgiving those people for past hurts, and not holding on to those negative feelings within myself and letting it taint my interactions with them today.

Because for me personally, if I’m still letting those past hurts inform my present, then I’m still being held back from being the best version of myself that I can be. And me not becoming the best version of myself isn’t something I’m willing to risk.

Dani is a 24 year old college student and mental health advocate living with bipolar disorder.  She enjoys writing poetry and singing, as well as being the proud parent of 2 adorable felines.

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3 thoughts on “Redefining family

  1. Great job Dani, thanks for sharing and thank you for the part your are also being in the extended family that you have.

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