When the filters come off

I remember the day my son came home with his back a mass of cuts, bruises and blood.  He had just come out of several weeks of sadness, anguish and plans to kill himself.  Almost overnight, the dark cloud lifted and he was happier.  Then even happier, happier still, giddy, even euphoric.  He wanted to ride his bike around the neighborhood like other kids, he said.  He was 8 at the time and I thought, why not?  He deserved this simple pleasure after weeks of inertia and despair.

Then he came home with a bloody back.  He had taken his bike to an empty lot and done bike tricks.  He was sure, he told me, that he could suspend himself midair upside down, grab onto clouds in the sky and make his body speed as fast as his very-manic mind.  Even after all the cuts, scrapes, gouges, bruises and blood, he still believed it.

Lots of kids might think they can do superhero stunts.  That’s not what this was.  This was one of those times when the cautionary voice in his head had vanished.  His sense of self-preservation had dimmed.  His ability to contrast his abilities with his reality was flickering.  Those things provide a filter, a kind of mental pause. The filter had failed both of us.

Although it was one of the first times I saw the filters come off, it wasn’t the last.  They came off in his language where he raged, swore, was cruel and obscene in ways that shocked us all.  They came off in risky behaviors like that day on his bike or another day when he tried to walk into downtown Boston traffic because “nothing can harm me.” They came off when he was depressed and hurt himself repeatedly and nothing would deter him. They vanished when his emotions became a landslide that buried any deterring thought or feeling.

His doctors labeled this “disinhibited behavior,” especially when it was accompanied by other manic symptoms. In psychology, disinhibition is a lack of restraint manifested in disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment.   He was 8 the first time I heard this term and I said, “He’s what?” and asked the doctor to spell it.  Even when I knew what it was called, I wondered what to do about it.  But I also saw the same lack of restraint when he was depressed or hurting himself.  It just wasn’t labeled disinhibition then.

As parents, we try to counter many of our children’s impulses.  We teach them to wait for the light to change before crossing the street or to think before saying everything that crosses their mind.  Some of it is to keep them safe, some to get along with others and to give them a voice inside their mind, a point of view, to counter those feelings and thoughts.  Sometimes it’s just to create an instant of consideration, like pushing a pause button.  When my son had milder moods or his thinking was just a little off track, this worked.  He’d say, “ I didn’t do that because I knew you’d be disappointed.”  But when his moods rushed in like a hurricane and his thoughts were like a jumbled avalanche, all bets were off.  So were the filters.

I watched the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why last weekend.  (Spoiler alert!) In case you haven’t seen it yet (though it seems like many interested in mental health issues have and also have strong opinions), the show focuses on a high school student, Clay Jensen, and the girl he really likes, Hannah Baker, who committed suicide.  Hannah has recorded a box of 13 cassette tapes before her death which detail the 13 reasons she ended her life.  As Clay listens to the tapes, Hannah recounts a series of really awful things that happened to her including betrayals, destructive gossip, sexting and rape.  We watch how each event pummels Hannah a little more.

As I watched, I thought about how everything that was supposed to protect Hannah failed her, even her filters.  Especially her filters.  They were battered by the awful things that happened to her and eroded by her own pain.  They took enormous hits from the outside and from the inside.

Parents try to create that little voice or that pause button inside their children again and again.  Overall, I think we do a pretty good job.  We hope it’s enough. We don’t know what’s going to come at them in life, what they will have to go through.  We hope we’ve made that little voice strong and indestructible. But there are emotional disorders like depression and manic moods and jumbled thoughts which diminish those inhibitors.  There are experiences like bullying and trauma that muffle them.  You don’t know which is stronger until that moment in time comes along.

It’s easier to see the filters come off when your child has risky behavior or swears colorfully at all the wrong people or behaves in a shocking or bizarre way.  But parents know it can happen with depression or severe anxiety or trauma as well.  We see our child lose touch with the thoughts  that help inhibit or lessen suicidal thoughts, self- harm and emotional pain – that say life is worth living, that they are worth loving and they will feel good again.  During those times my son used to say, “But I can’t feel that, I don’t believe that.” I’d look at him with tears and say, “But I do.”  And I’d hope it would be enough.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “When the filters come off

  1. I see this a great deal with my now 17 year old who suffers from a rare autoammune disorder that is effecting his brain. His IQ has gone from 90 to 64 and his filters are totaly effected. He gets bullied a great deal and other kids encourage him to do dangerous, stupid things so they can laugh at him. He gets very depressed with himself and the way others treat him and he feels he should be able to do everything he trys. He likes to go to the skate park lately and always comes back injured. He has had 2 psychotic eposodes in about 15 months and during those he has no filters at all. It has been difficult dealing with Police, EMT’s and other people of authority when he needs help because he don’t look sick and sadly they think I am just making excuses for him no matter how many trainings I try to do with them. Boston Children’s cannot name the rare illness so to them it don’t really excist. I have turned to holistic medication to try to assist and am thankful that it is helping a bit. Sadly we have no answers and haven’t even been able to find a Nurologist to look at him. Baystate Children’s Nurologist have left, Umass refuses to see him telling Pediatrician he’s to complicated, Boston hasn’t got back to us. It is completely frustrating. He was in the Wing ER 3 days 4/16-4/18 psychoctic being injected with haldol and because of his medical no bed was found for him to get a nero evaluation. Insurence kicked us out and he still hasn’t been seen. We were also very disappointed in his Psychiatrist who told us “Well you chose to adopt him you just need to deal with it, there may not be answers”. He hasn’t seen him out patient after discharge either. My son gets very depressed with everything and we have dealt with cutting and threats of suicide. I pray everyday that his filters won’t fail him.

  2. Thank you for this blog post. It totally resonates with me and what we’ve been going through with my son. I hope all of this who see this in our children can find ways to get them to use those filters at all times.

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