Ramblings within a month-long depressive episode

I’ve been wondering recently what it’d feel like to work in one of those call offices for suicide hotlines. I know the pay is crap and that shouldn’t matter but you must be pretty strong to help someone after they shatter.  The thing I love though is that the people who actually call those are trying to put their life back together.

I’ve been on and off suicidal for as long as I can remember. I’ve never attempted. I smile. I laugh. I lend every helping hand I have. My depression is caused by demons of my past that I almost got away from but they’ve caught back up to my present. I look to my past and see nothing but haunted houses and ghosts. I look to my future and see a vast, empty desert with no road. I am lost and I am scared. Imagine looking to your future and seeing nothing. Nothing but a death trap. I live in a house I fear I will never escape and the worst part is…it’s not actually that bad.

I learned how to be independent at a young age. With a father who was busy working so the family could have money, a mother who was all talk and no action and an older sister who never felt or acted older. I had no choice. I don’t remember when I first started questioning who would miss me. I knew my dad would be devastated and my mom would blame herself. My sister might try to follow me as well because I’ve always set an example. My best friend would feel like she lost everything and as much as we jokingly say we want to die to each other, I think she’d be upset she didn’t take me seriously.

I got a new therapist recently. She’s nice but when we talk I discover walls I never realized I built and don’t have the strength to knock down. I haven’t figured out how to vocalize my feelings yet and it’s much easier to write this thinking no one will be reading it. But people have to read it. I want people to know that it’s a good thing I’m scared to kill myself. I’d much rather a car hit me or a shooter shoot me. Although in some sense it’d be pointless because I believe in reincarnation.

I’ve been on medication since I was 8 and it really messed with my hormones and nervous system. People have suggested I look back into them but they honestly scare me. They messed me up so bad. They messed me up because my depression was situational. My depression isn’t caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. It’s caused by me living in a city, a state, a place I hate. The real question is, though, Where do I like?

I have spent my entire life living because other people seem to think I should. I live to stop my family and friends from crying. I live because what if I actually am supposed to marry the kpop star Choi Minho in the future, I can’t leave him alone. What about the kids I haven’t adopted? What about the cats I haven’t pet? I live for all these reasons but none of them are actually for me. If you asked me what I want to be when I grow up I’ll probably lie. My real answer would be dead…or somewhere I feel alive.

The author would like to remain anonymous, but has been a long-time member of Youth MOVE Massachusetts and offers their support to other peers who may also be struggling.

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2 Responses to Ramblings within a month-long depressive episode

  1. Jennifer Rambridge says:

    So glad you wrote. While it makes me sad that I can’t do anything for you, it also makes me happy that you can express what i know many others feel. My son deals with depression, though it seems less severe then yours, I have often wondered what he’s feeling. You have given me a great insight that I would never have gotten if you hadn’t written. May you always have others to live for, and hopefully some day you can find a place to feel alive.

  2. shannon crossbear says:

    Thanks for sharing. You did an excellent job of articulating that place of trying to just make it to the next moment. Keep looking for that place, that space, where you feel alive. It is true that your family and friends will grieve you and I thank you for considering the impact on their lives and all the other lives that your lifetime has the potential to impact. The thing that has kept me breathing the next breathe has been knowing through experience what it is like for the ones that remain. I won’t lie to you and say that it has all been good or that uninformed slogan that says that suicide is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem”. Sometimes it is temporary and sometimes not. Thanks you for choosing to stay. I hope you keep choosing to stay and continue the conversation that can lead to understanding.

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