Why do we still say the same things to transition age youth?

My then-17 year old son went to bed the night before his birthday and woke up an adult the next morning.  At least that’s what everyone told him.  Neither of us could see too many differences.  We had often played a game about birthdays while he was growing up.  Just before his 8th birthday he said, “When I’m 8, I am going to like sprinkled cheese on my spaghetti.”  And he was sure, (picky eater that he was) that he would and, so he did. Before he turned 12, he told me, “When I’m 12, I will get over my fear of roller coasters.” And he was determined and made that happen.  I’m still not sure how.

Turning 18 was different.  He couldn’t declare, “When I’m 18, I will have all the skills and knowledge to make my life happy and be able to navigate the mental health system to boot.”  Just because someone proclaimed him an adult, he didn’t actually have all the wisdom and tools he needed.  Because he had a mental illness, there was a lot to know, a lot to manage and a lot of complicated decisions to make.  Saying, “When I’m 18….” didn’t make that happen, whether he said it or a provider said it.

Yet, lots of the time the people working with young adults tell them things like, “You’re 18 now and can make that decision for yourself, “ or “You don’t have to share this information with your mom or dad.”

The Pew Research Center has a lot of data about millennials (ages 18 to 36).  36% are living at home and 59% get financial support from their parents.  Only 25% are married (compared with 30% in 2007) and 48% say their parents most influence their voting.  They account for 20% of all same sex couples in America and 74% say they appreciate the way other cultures impact the American way of life.

Kind of an interesting group, aren’t they?  This data includes all millennials, whether they have mental health issues or not.  Here is what the norms for their age group are not: to get out of the house at age 18, find a spouse, start a family and don’t listen to others.  Yet, in the mental health world, that is often the party line.  Our young people are provided with a version of “normal” that’s often based on outdated data.  Wouldn’t it be great if our starting point was what is “normal” for this generation and then individualize that?

I really like the data on how many young adults say their parents influence their voting.  My son and I have lively conversations about the ballot questions each election. They’ve ranged from charter schools, to humane treatment for animals to “death with dignity.” This last election he had strong opinions on marijuana legalization, but he wanted to hear mine, too.  I don’t think I changed his voting but he got better explaining his stance the more we talked.

We live in a complicated world.  My father carried around cash most of the time and he pretty much knew where each dollar went.  It was visual and even tactile – he could see and feel it being spent.  My son’s bank account, on the other hand, got hacked recently.  Some unknown person went into his account and withdrew and withdrew until everything was gone.  He knew what to do because we’ve talked about and rehearsed this kind of thing before (did a walk through on something minor)  and he went to his bank and filled out fraud forms.  But he needed to get that knowledge before he could perform the action.  This is true for most young people.

Parents can – and usually do – take on a lot of roles.  We can be insurance advocates, emotional supporters, medical historians, the local ATM, encyclopedias, life coaches, navigators, experts on benefits and often, advice givers.  Some of us are better at some of those roles than others.  We can also tailor the information and help to our child, because we’ve been doing it for a long time.  What I don’t get is why many who  support young adults don’t automatically assume that parents have some pretty good stuff to offer.   If you find out they don’t, take it from there.  But don’t make that your starting point. Parents can have a variety of roles which is not pointed out often enough.

When my son turned 18, I asked him what roles he wanted me to play.  He hated the idea of having to call insurance for a prior authorization.  He liked the idea of being in charge of his treatment, but having me on speed dial for medical history (yes, I still have a list of all the meds he’s tried).  This was our conversation, not one with providers, though it could have been.  We made it clear for ourselves where we wanted to start and we agreed that not everyone knows everything they need to know.  And that’s okay.

It never goes smoothly.  There were times when I was bossy and times when he was determined to reject help.  There were times when we both couldn’t figure it out.  There were times when I had a hard time giving up my old roles and there were times he didn’t want to take on any new ones.

We kept figuring it out and still are.  What made it harder were the times his providers said, “You don’t have to talk to your mom” or “You need to make this decision,” without asking him if he wanted it that way and letting it be okay whatever he chose.  Young people with mental health needs become independent, but their path can be full of curves, needing comfort one day and distance the next.   It might include getting advice and support from their parents, just like the rest of their generation.  Nothing wrong with that.

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One thought on “Why do we still say the same things to transition age youth?

  1. We went from a great Psychiatrist that kept me involved beyond my son’s 23rd Birthday. Then he told us that he had wanted to retire from private practice, he had waited a yr. until my son got thru a criminal trial against someone else. I had known him prior to adopting my son, I had worked with him. I was happy I was included in his treatment. The last time we saw him he told my son who had started seeing him @ 7 & he was now 23. He tried to find him a new Psychiatrist but he was unable too but his PCP did, completely opposite. My son went in alone, he would forget to tell me a med was increased. I know something was wrong with him. He would become unable to do two step commands & get in trouble at work he finally said he upped my meds. I have had a few interactions, watching him play on his phone, be disrespectful. The last time we went I heard my son say I will not meet w/ you with out my Mom. His mouth just dropped open.

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