The middle child against the hallucinations

It was a cold day in the winter and I remember my older son screaming like there was a criminal in the house. I ran to see what was going on and it was the misplacement of a book that startled him. He was saying over and over he was sure that someone took it.  Or someone planned to take it, because he was thinking about the book at school and it was taken so that he could not use it.

This was actually a better day then most. In the past, he would lash out  physically when he did not have something, or he thought that the world was planting things to make it difficult as the voices told him during the day.  I would be the one who would remain calm but get attacked as he tried to find words to come to his lips from his brain. It would be so very hard to try to figure out the antecedent prior to the behavior (ABC Charts),  Have you, too, ever had to try to figure things out at midnight, when you finally have a moment to think about the events of the day?

I remember sitting night after night trying to figure out what could I, should I, plan to make it all easier in our house. With three children (and often another few that needed a place to be) planning was most important. It took lots of planning on what and how I would explain the transition of lots of things. We had a large white board, charts, rules and ideas for the emergencies.  We also had it simplified into this-is-the-way-life-is-going-to-be-today.  Many people would tell me that it was like a mini behavioral plan all around.  What many did not realize is that board was just as much for me as it was for them. My lord, some days I was lucky to remember the schedule and get things done.

There was one time that I remember the voices arriving when they were not wanted at all. It was my middle son’s eighth birthday and we were planning for his cousins to come over and spend time with us all. We were going to make pizza and have ice cream sundaes after. That was the afternoon that the voices came, only to create hell in the house for my older son who was ten at the time. He would not listen, settle down. He could not tell me what was going on and I was having a challenge figuring it out.

We knew something was up and we had planned for the “safety” word as we did most days. This is the word that you say so that the other children get to a safe place. Our safety words were always words describing the beach. This time it was “ocean” and it was clear that the place to go was the living room, bring the dogs and use the electronics.  We had discussed it prior to the party and also practiced once. We were all on eggshells as the party went on. Did we need to use the word? What had happened? I hoped that the voices were gone.  You never know when you are with a child who experiences this and can’t really plan well. So we continued to go through the evening. It was peaceful but we were walking on eggshells awaiting the drop.

Finally morning came, along with play dough, music and fun.  We were set for the day and ready. Unplanned, not practiced and surely not wanted, the voices arrived. Off went the items and I was in the line of fire. I remember the first punch to the face and the kicking on the floor. As the safety word was used everyone did great but my middle son. He wanted to reason with his brother. He got everyone to the living room but, like many of our children who have brothers and sisters with hallucinations, he wanted to protect both his sibling and his parent.

I ended up sitting on the floor finally with safety hold on my son. My middle son sat back to back with me rubbing my head and saying nothing. I held my oldest until it was done and told him that he was safe, he was loved and I was there.  After several minutes– that felt like hours –he calmed down. He was finally able to cry and breathe. My head hurt and my legs wanted to crumble but I just sat there and started to cry. To this day I remember what my eight year old said: “Mommy he didn’t mean it.” He was completely right. And I did not mean for him to have all the pain as a sibling to brother living with trauma and hallucinations.

Sometimes you learn to accept and live with the voices as part of your family and other times you wish they would never come back.  It is hard because the hallucinations are with my son all the time and we love him. So in those situations we will learn to deal with those darn voices.

Meri Viano is our guest blogger.  She is the parent of two sons and a daughter who continue to inspire her blog posts.

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One thought on “The middle child against the hallucinations

  1. Oh, I know those days well! It’s so hard. My younger son always disappeared to his room when things got difficult, which still serves him today. Thank you for sharing, you’re always so poignant in your writing! I hope things are getting easier now, but, like the tide, the symptoms seem to ebb and flow, making each day a new adventure. Hang in there!

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