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Giving trust, losing trust. Does it make a difference?

January 28th, 2019

I remember that moment when I realized that there was no way I could do this without help. I had tried every technique I knew, been patient, yelled some, loved my son with all my heart and absolutely nothing got better.  He was only six, I thought.  Maybe there is one more thing, something overlooked, that I can try?  But there wasn’t.  I had exhausted what I knew and needed help.

I took him to our pediatrician who said it was time to try therapy and maybe medications.  I made an appointment and waited. And while I waited, my son got worse.  He was anxious at school; now he hid under the desk for hours.  He was sad; now he cried often and was inconsolable, sometimes saying he wanted to die.  He was going to school intermittently; now he stopped going altogether.  That first appointment couldn’t come too soon.

Like many parents, I walked into that first therapy appointment with vague but powerful hopes.  I hoped the therapist would know exactly what was going on with my son.  I hoped he would have smart and effective things for me to try.  I fervently hoped there was a path to wellness that would be short and have regular signposts so I would know I was on the right track. I hoped I could trust the therapist, trust the steps we were taking and trust the safety net I was hearing about.

There is a bargain parents enter into when they use mental health services and it’s simply this.  You give over some decision making and in return, you are expected to trust.

For the most part, we are happy to make that bargain at first.  We long for others to “get us” and define what our children need.  We long to trust that therapists, teachers and doctors have great intentions, a mountain of relevant knowledge and a strong base of experience.  We often begin with an uncritical kind of trust.

There are many kinds of trust ranging from blind trust to a “trust but verify” stance. While some of us find it easy to give our trust, many of us find it much harder. “What are we trusting?” we wonder. Expertise, good will, an attitude of “do no harm” or a commitment to our child’s mental health?   These can vary widely.  My son has had therapists, doctors and teachers who were experienced or newbies, skilled or blundering and some had a kind of humility while others were wrapped in arrogance.  I know I’m not the only parent who has been told a certain program, medication or approach is a perfect fit only later to hear that “we’ve never met a child quite like your son before.”

I read that Suzanne Massie, an American writer, met with President Ronald Reagan and taught him the Russian proverb “Doveryai, no proveryai” or “Trust, but verify.” She advised him that the Russians like to talk in proverbs so he should know a few.  He used the phrase often during important negotiations over treaties.  It’s also a phrase I wish I’d learned far earlier.

We think that the bargain we make, giving trust in exchange for help with decisions, access and healing, will be short term.  We learn that the next set of services, the next program, the next relationship asks for the same kind of trust.  Trust is defined as the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Sometimes that reliability or strength comes through for us.  Other times, not so much.  That makes it harder to keep trusting.

Doubt creeps in and it stays.  And it shows in our demeanor, our attitude and our body language.  I know it did in mine.

The unexpected can happen, too.  One therapist apologized to me when staff handled my son’s very rigid obsessive eating patterns with discipline, instead of understanding at his therapeutic school.  She then made changes so it didn’t happen again.  Another time a psychiatrist told me he regretted not listening to me about a medication choice.  I’d told him that we’d tried it before and it had been useless.  He insisted and had the same results.  Saying he chose wrongly made up a lot of lost ground.

It’s also awkward that therapists and other mental health professionals know so much about our lives from the trivial to the awkward to the things that make us feel vulnerable.  Yet, we often don’t know much about theirs.  When they share something, it can help our trust return.  The psychiatrist my son had in his teens (maybe the 6th one by then) had pictures of her children and dog on her desk.  I knew she was a parent and she let me know one day that her child had ADHD.  I already liked her but I could feel a part of me relax and trust a little more.

Part of parent’s job is to make decisions for their child as well as their family.  You might consult others, but in the end you decide, adjust and live with the results.  When your child has mental health problems, you are faced with a different paradigm.  Instead of consulting, you share or give over decision making.  Instead of adjusting, you rely on others to make changes.  You still live with the results.  Most of us want to believe and trust.  Sometimes we are glad we did.  But other times, it’s hard.

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