Tag Archives: mental health

Ramblings within a month-long depressive episode

July 4th, 2017

I’ve been wondering recently what it’d feel like to work in one of those call offices for suicide hotlines. I know the pay is crap and that shouldn’t matter but you must be pretty strong to help someone after they shatter.  The thing I love though is that the people who actually call those are trying to put their life back together.

I’ve been on and off suicidal for as long as I can remember. I’ve never attempted. I smile. I laugh. I lend every helping hand I have. My depression is caused by demons of my past that I almost got away from but they’ve caught back up to my present. I look to my past and see nothing but haunted houses and ghosts. I look to my future and see a vast, empty desert with no road. I am lost and I am scared. Imagine looking to your future and seeing nothing. Nothing but a death trap. I live in a house I fear I will never escape and the worst part is…it’s not actually that bad.

I learned how to be independent at a young age. With a father who was busy working so the family could have money, a mother who was all talk and no action and an older sister who never felt or acted older. I had no choice. I don’t remember when I first started questioning who would miss me. I knew my dad would be devastated and my mom would blame herself. My sister might try to follow me as well because I’ve always set an example. My best friend would feel like she lost everything and as much as we jokingly say we want to die to each other, I think she’d be upset she didn’t take me seriously.

I got a new therapist recently. She’s nice but when we talk I discover walls I never realized I built and don’t have the strength to knock down. I haven’t figured out how to vocalize my feelings yet and it’s much easier to write this thinking no one will be reading it. But people have to read it. I want people to know that it’s a good thing I’m scared to kill myself. I’d much rather a car hit me or a shooter shoot me. Although in some sense it’d be pointless because I believe in reincarnation.

I’ve been on medication since I was 8 and it really messed with my hormones and nervous system. People have suggested I look back into them but they honestly scare me. They messed me up so bad. They messed me up because my depression was situational. My depression isn’t caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. It’s caused by me living in a city, a state, a place I hate. The real question is, though, Where do I like?

I have spent my entire life living because other people seem to think I should. I live to stop my family and friends from crying. I live because what if I actually am supposed to marry the kpop star Choi Minho in the future, I can’t leave him alone. What about the kids I haven’t adopted? What about the cats I haven’t pet? I live for all these reasons but none of them are actually for me. If you asked me what I want to be when I grow up I’ll probably lie. My real answer would be dead…or somewhere I feel alive.

The author would like to remain anonymous, but has been a long-time member of Youth MOVE Massachusetts and offers their support to other peers who may also be struggling.

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Why hope will never be silent

April 10th, 2017

Harvey Milk once said “Hope will never be silent.” That quote has been an essential quote for me since the ninth grade.   As long as we keep hope in our hearts, we can never be silenced, and we can prevail.

This quote means so much due to the relevance to what I want to accomplish in my life and my future career path. This quote is also relevant to the world we live in today, and to all of the people advocating for the rights they deserve. Hope plays a huge part in our society, and we can’t just give up on the concept. If we all simply gave up hope, what would we have left? We would have total destruction, and tears in the eyes of the ones we love the most. We’d have a complete lack of progress, and more pain than we could ever begin to handle.

When I think of the word “hope” and all of the people I know who embody it, I also think of the word “fighter.” Fighters not only have hope in their heart, but they advocate for the causes they truly believe in, and fight against the things that take away from their cause. I like to hold the belief that I am a fighter. I’ve been through my fair share of tough times and challenges in my life, but in total honesty, I simply want to use my lived experience to help those who are going through similar struggles in their lives. No one should have to fight these demons alone, and that is why I want to be involved in the mental health field,

Trying to stay positive is a hard thing to do, but I really try to do just that. Even if at times staying positive seems impossible, it is vital because all negativity does is drag us down. For me, my friends play a huge part in my positivity. Almost all of my friends have been diagnosed with a mental health “disorder.” I put quotes around disorder because although these are not “normal” for a brain, they still play a part in who we are, even though that’s not all there is to it. The people who have taught me the most about hope are the ones who have these disorders. They’ve taught me about resilience.

I know in my heart that I am the fighter I am because of the friends I have gotten the pleasure of knowing. I not only fight for myself, but I fight for all of the people I love who have taught me that everyone has something to say. Sometimes they simply need help to say it. Giving everyone the chance to speak up on issues they believe in is important. Listen to the hopes and dreams of others, because hope is vital to societal growth.

No matter how grim a situation may seem, you can find hope not only within yourself, but in others as well. No one is incapable of having hope in their soul. Sometimes they just need a helping hand to guide them. So, in honor of Harvey Milk, remember “Hope will never be silent” and we as a human race can never be silenced.

Rachel LaBrie is our guest blogger. Rachel dreams of being a young adult fiction writer. She currently has 6 animals who she truly adores. 

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My adoption, my mental health and my community support network

March 4th, 2017

I was an African American child adopted by a white mother and there were several things that came up for me in my childhood.  They were things that a biological child may not have had to deal with. Some were easy to see and identify like the color of my skin versus the color of the rest of the family’s skin. Others were not so easy to identify.

I remember at one doctor’s visit they asked if there was a family history of cancer, diabetes, or any other health issues. I had to say “I don’t know, I’m adopted.” That meant that the doctors were unable to see a complete picture of my health in order to provide me the best healthcare possible. That also meant that extra tests were important so any issues could be identified and would be caught.

Of course, I had the same experience with mental health questions.  When I visited a psychiatrist’s office they would ask me questions like, “Is there a history of mental illness in your family?” Once again I would have to answer “I don’t know, I’m adopted.” That meant that the mental health providers were also unable to see a complete picture of my mental health without a lot of testing.  Which is what we did.

I remember having a lot of different kinds of tests and assessments, and many were just to rule different things out.

Some issues are more common to people who have been adopted. Some of the most common (but not only) issues that adopted people face are based around trauma and separation. PTSD  can be one issue, as well as reactive attachment disorder, both of which can affect someone in variety of ways.  Being aware of and sensitive to these common issues is critical as they can have direct and long lasting impacts on your loved one and your family.

Besides the impact that adoption can have on an individual, it is also important to recognize the impact adoption can have on other family members such as siblings and even parents. Providing the proper supports for all family members is truly important.

We were really helped by several agencies and organizations dedicated to bringing awareness to and support for families involved in adoption.  My mother found an organization that provided support for single parents who have or were thinking of adopting a child. This became a support network for my family and they did more than just support us emotionally. They provided my mother with a chance to network with other parents experiencing similar struggles, attend informational seminars and workshops and share resources and learn about available local and national resources.  More than that, it provided us with a real sense of community. I remember spending holidays with the same (for the most part) group of kids and families. I remember going on vacations with these other families, building lasting and deeply felt friendships and connections (many of which last to this day). These experiences came to me only through this organization.

My mother was a driving force in the quest to better understand and support my mental health. She knew it was important that she take charge of my mental health care and continuously advocate for all of the needed tests and assessments.  She pulled things together to provide me with the support I needed so I could be the best me possible.

My mother did a lot of research on mental health and behavioral health, attended support groups and became involved in a support network of other parents raising kids with mental/behavioral health concerns. They shared information, resources, tactics and strategies and told each other what worked or didn’t work. They shared stories of struggles, failures and frustrations, but they also shared stories of success, joy and hope. They supported each other, through both good times and the difficult times.

All of this was vital to help supporting me both in terms of my emotional well being and accessing the best education possible. I went to public school most of my childhood but there were a couple of times when it was suggested that I attend a school with more emotional and academic support. I only had access to these schools and programs because of my mother’s push to identify and treat unknown mental/behavioral health concerns, and advocate for me to get a proper and appropriate education.

By becoming involved with a community of people who were experiencing similar struggles, we had support and the chance to interact with others in a nonjudgmental environment. We had the opportunity for sharing and learning about resources and mental health care system navigation. Navigating the mental healthcare system can be daunting and frustrating but my mother learned early on that if she didn’t advocate strongly for my mental health care and education, nobody else would.

Josh Schram is our guest blogger.  He is the proud parent of two children who have each experienced mental health and/or behavioral concerns at different times in their lives. Josh was adopted by a single parent and enjoys using his past experiences to help other families in need of support and direction.

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3 things I’ve learned about fake news from mental health advocacy

February 20th, 2017

I was plunged into the mental health world when my son was 7 and made his first suicide attempt.  I got him help, of course, but I needed to understand what was happening to him and to our family.  Overnight, I became a mental health researcher and devoured any and all stories I could find about mental illness.  I depended on the integrity and truthfulness of good reporting.  I also developed a pretty good hogwash detector.

I’ve discovered lately that I need all those skills and more.

Stories and accusations about fake news crop up everywhere you look.  According to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary, the word “fake” is in the top 30% of words looked up and means not true or real.  When it’s applied to a news story or new information, it’s intended to disparage the reporter, the sources or the content.   I can tell you from personal experience, however, that just because the truth or information is hard to handle, doesn’t mean it’s fake.

Fake news and information rely on the vulnerability of the person hearing or reading it to gain traction.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  When my young son would have a meltdown and then weep afterward that he was bad, I wanted to believe it was temporary, didn’t need serious treatment or was just a phase.  Sure, he was out of control.  Yes, he sometimes hurt himself.  But he felt remorse, so didn’t that count for something?  When therapists and teachers told me not to worry, part of me wanted to stop looking for the tough answers.  I was tired and overwhelmed.   I didn’t want to hear anything that was hard to handle.

Media outlets, whether they are mainstream, lean to the right or left, often report stories differently.  They don’t agree on the focus.  Just like the media, different parts of the children’s mental health system never seem to agree.  One professional will offer a different prognosis for your child than the next one.  Another one will come up with a completely new diagnosis, when you’ve already got three. Like many parents, I heard wildly different recommendations from the psychiatrist, the teacher and the therapist.  The psychiatrist (who turned out to be right) thought my son had a pretty serious mood disorder.  The teacher thought my divorce, our move and change of schools were to blame.  The therapist didn’t want me to be alarmed since children often grow out of their problems.  They couldn’t be all right, could they?

I had to learn to listen with both my head and my heart.  I needed to face the difficult facts and also feel the compassion being offered to me.  I learned that people have different training and biases and are often blind to the fact that they could be misleading you. Sometimes it’s not intentional.  Sometimes it feels like it is.

My son had four different psychiatrists before he turned 12.  One, Dr. G, was especially charming and very confident of his viewpoint and recommendations.  During one visit, he looked me in the eye and spoke charismatically and sincerely.  He said he wanted to retry a medication that had been a disaster a year ago.  He said, “We both want what’s best for your son and this is absolutely the right move.  As soon as we get up to the right dosage, he is going to be a different child.  You’ll be amazed. Just trust me.”

I am a pretty good critical thinker and know how to wade through information.  But I didn’t listen to myself.  Instead, I did trust him and that medication was a disaster once again.  My son ended up in psychiatric crisis.

Dr. G was likeable, charming and smart.  He was confident that he was a good doctor and overall I think he was.  But I had a very complicated son, whose medication reactions were unusual and extreme.  What Dr. G told me – that my son was going to do well and be a different child – was wrong.   I trusted his information because he was the one saying it, not because it was true.  I relied on how much I liked Dr. G.  I confused the speaker with the speech and forgot I was an expert too. After that, my hogwash detector got louder and less forgiving.

Between my hogwash detector, wisdom gained from advocating for my own child and later, other families, I’ve learned some key points.  Those things are turning out to be pretty useful when confronted by fake news.

  1. Don’t confuse how you feel about the source with the story being told. Just like Dr. G, many people are wonderfully persuasive and you want to believe them.  I’ve had several friends tell me news items that I half believed because I liked them, later checking the items out and seeing they weren’t real after all.  We all know who has rigorously checked something out and who isn’t so careful.  How you feel about someone cannot substitute for carefully vetting the information.
  2. Watch out if the information or news is focused on attacking someone. Reliable sources report the facts, which are different from opinions.  I have been disparaged and disrespected as a parent more times than I can count.  Not because I was wrong but because emotions were high or bias against parents was in play.  Good information and real news is about what is happening in front of us and not about personality.  Did I mention that someone attacking me or another parent has ramped up my hogwash detector?
  3. Beware of polarizing tactics. I found out early on that different parts of the children’s mental health system often don’t agree.  There is a lot of finger pointing by schools, by hospitals, by clinics and others.  No one wants to be accountable.  When polarization is at its worst, nothing productive happens.  Children and families don’t get what they need.  It’s the same in a polarized news environment.  We agree on very little and very little gets done.

There were times when the news about my son’s illness was awful and I confess I said to myself, “I just don’t believe this.”  I wanted to believe the less troubling stuff and ignore the rest.  Sometimes I did, but mostly I learned that the truth helps me make better choices.  I learned to value integrity and good reporting.  These days, it goes far beyond the mental health world.

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When life hits hard, challenge your challenges

December 4th, 2016

lifeYou’re on the bumper of the guy in front of you, frustrated beyond belief that there’s traffic for some reason today, when you need to make an important meeting. As you’re pulling into the parking lot late, it starts to rain. You try sprinting to the door, but slip and hurt your ankle. After a second to collect yourself, you think, ‘why is everything going wrong today?’

After taking a step back, many realize how often these situations happen; everything seems to crash down all at once, usually at the most inopportune times. Your kid gets sick, work gets busy, and you and your spouse have been having martial disputes. Why don’t these life challenges sometimes feel more spaced out? I looked to physics for an answer to this question. Murphy’s Law simply states that anything that can go wrong will. Feels familiar, doesn’t it?

I went searching for this answer after going through an impossibly hard month. On my way to a work meeting, I was in an accident and totaled my vehicle. It was the first car accident I had ever been in, and I was devastated. To my complete and utter shock, not even two weeks later, I was hit in a rotary while borrowing my parents’ car. A couple of days later, I came down with a cold that seemed to hang on forever. That same week, the kitchen sink broke and I could be seen washing dishes in my bathtub. The next week, I faced stolen packages from the stoop of my apartment. When the month was nearing its end, I felt relieved; did this mean my bad luck streak was finally going to be over too?

On the very last day of the month, one last challenge slipped in; I was awakened to my cat eating rat poison! After a long and expensive trip to the ER, I can finally say that it’s all over. The month has finally ended and there were no casualties (much to my surprise).

So what can you do to counteract Murphy’s Law? Unfortunately, not much. Try to refrain from this pessimistic way of thinking whenever you can, and instead, take responsibility for your life and the circumstances that you can control. The more you feel that you are steering your life rather than having life happen to you, the better. Secondly, expect the unexpected. Life rarely happens how you think it will, even when you’ve taken the same route to a work meeting a hundred times. Take a deep breath and realize that that uncertainty is okay; it’s up to you to react to it the best way you can. Lastly, try to find any good that you can in challenging incidents. Your kid gets sick – it could have been something much worse; work is busy – at least you have a job; you’re fighting with your spouse – maybe you’ll be closer after working through these issues.

The better you become at letting unexpected events roll off your back, the easier you will find your day to day. Ask yourself, will this matter in five years?

Most of the time the answer is no. It’s easy to get distracted and brought down by a million little things that can go wrong, but when you stop to think about it, what really matters? Very little actually; security, health, love, happiness… and will any of those be permanently affected by a minor car accident, or a plumbing issue? The answer’s probably not… so why are you still wasting your precious energy on it?

These are questions that I, too, have to continually ask myself. Challenge your challenges.

Erin Edgecomb is our guest blogger. Erin is a young adult and a member of PPAL

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