Tag Archives: trauma

Arrested and in shackles

June 10th, 2019

Every mom hopes that her children have wonderful opportunities in life.  That hope was always there, living in my heart, the same as most parents.  We all want our children to be happy.  We would like our children to succeed. We want them to graduate, we hope for them to get a job and do something they love to do. We don’t care much what it is as long as it is meaningful and they are following through. But those hopes and wants change over and over again when you have a child with trauma.

They changed for me with one phone call.  I got a call from the police in the middle of the night.  I jerked awake and heard, “Hello, Ms. Viano.  We have picked up your son. He was arrested and will be in court tomorrow morning.”  After I ask in shock, “What? Why? How? “ I realize that it’s 2 a.m. and I need to talk to someone but I have to wait.  The hours from 2 to 6 a.m. are really hard.  Going back to sleep is out of the question.

While I wait for 6 a.m. to come and I can call my mom to talk about it, I pace in the kitchen. Make coffee, get the tissues and cry. I wonder what happened, I don’t know any of the details because I was too shocked to ask. The not knowing makes it worse and my mind makes up stories, each worse than the last.  Then I remember, I can call and ask those questions.   I pick up my phone, call and get more information.  It leaves me with more questions and more turmoil.  I have some of the story but I am still unable to understand and make sense of this.   I keep checking the clock.

Finally, it’s 6 a.m. and I can call my mom. She answers immediately asking, “What is wrong? Are the kids okay?”  I start to tell her only to have my voice crack and my sadness overcome me. She listens with her full attention, like she often has in the 15 years I have raised my son. This time she says to me, “You always try your best as a parent. We all want him to get help and be okay.”   She pauses, then comes the next phrase, “I have no idea how to raise a kid like that.”  There lies the truth.

While I am comforted, I am alone again. But I am thankful that I have a family to talk to and understand.  There are many times that they don’t know what to do with my questions, my worries and most of my entire story.  But they listen and they care.  That’s a lot.

I arrive at the court promptly at 8 a.m. and go through the metal detectors.  My heart feels like it is in my shoes. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels helpful. This is what people who tell families to go to court to get help for their children need to understand:  it hurts, it’s frightening and it doesn’t make sense.

Finally, the courtroom is open.  The judge walks in and the moment is here. This is the time I have been dreading.  My son walks in behind a glass wall and with handcuffs and shackles on him. He is dirty, sad, and scared. I am a parent who can only look at her son and gaze into his eyes to show him I am there. My eyes well up and I begin to cry.  I see his lips moving telling me, “Sorry mom.  I am so sorry mom. I love you”. I believe him. He is sorry and he needs help. Jail no – help and treatment yes.

Moments later he is taken to jail to be held on a bail I cannot afford. I am alone, I am confused and I am struggling to be understood and listened to.  How can substance abuse, mental health and jail come together to support families and siblings? How can parents feel like they are not alone?

Time and time again parents have to search.  No one connects us – we have to find a community of parents on our own.  I found a wonderful organization, Justice 4 Families,  and wish I had found it sooner.  There are parents who have done this before you who can answer those questions. Parents need to know they are not alone.  There is a community waiting for them who can help them help their child, their adult family member and most of all, themselves. We all need support and someone to tell us, “I know what to do.”

Meri Viano is our guest blogger.  She is the parent of two sons and a daughter who continue to inspire her blog posts.

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Our family’s path to recovery from trauma

October 16th, 2018

My children and I are currently in recovery after leaving a domestic violence situation back in 2010.  Both my children and I have PTSD, but we are on the path to recovery.  Both of my children also have high functioning autism, complicating treatment and their recovery.   It has been a long haul to get where we are today.  Not all of the treatment that we have received was helpful or effective.  The biggest thing that has helped us is knowing that we have friends and family that care about us.  I am sharing our story because what has helped us may help others.

When I initially left my ex-husband we were extremely isolated, and that made it difficult to leave and heal.  I am originally from the North Shore, and my ex moved us to Lowell, which isolated me.  I didn’t know anyone in the area.  Luckily, we found a program that allowed their social workers to visit me frequently.  They provided the support that I needed to push me to follow through with leaving my situation.  This experience has taught me that we truly need the support of others  There are some things that we cannot do completely alone.  Raising children is one of them.  It really does take a village.

After leaving my ex, my family immediately started therapy with a big agency in Lowell.  This agency taught me how to restrain my children, triggering them in the office to have me practice restraint.  I now know this was a completely inappropriate thing to do.  Restraint should always be a last resort.  This agency, like many in the Lowell area, has a very high turnover of staff.  They also overmedicated me.  I luckily had a friend point this out to me.  Snowing me with medication was not a good solution, and it slowed my recovery.

For me to move forward, I needed to feel the pain I was feeling and move through it.  Taking a pill for depression and anxiety is not a fix.  Sometimes medication is needed, but overmedicating patients isn’t acceptable. Patients who live with anxiety and depression and/or who are recovering from trauma need to develop skills and foster their strengths to function fully.

I am very fortunate to have a circle of friends who care deeply about us.  One of my closest friends is a social worker who pointed me in the direction of Dr. Ross Greene’s, Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS).  I changed from a traditional consequence-based way of disciplining my children to listening to them, and looking at why they behave the way they do.  With this approach, I have been able to help them develop skills.   Attachment Regulation and Competency (ARC) is a trauma informed treatment approach (similar to CPS) that is beginning to be implemented in the Lowell area.  When working with children with mental health and behavior issues it is important to focus on building their skills and self-esteem.

My family continues to work on managing emotions.  We have had to work on accepting that sometimes emotions are not fun.  The zones of regulation have been helpful for teaching my children to identify what they are feeling and assess what they can do to calm themselves down.

There have been times when I have thought I couldn’t manage the job I was given, parenting two high needs kiddos.  When one of my children was younger, they had a habit of running off, and both children had explosive outbursts.   There have been very challenging moments where my friends and community support have been all that has gotten me through.

There was a time that I thought my history of depression made a less qualified parent.   I realize now that my own trauma history and my struggle with depression make me the best qualified person to raise my children.  No one else will love them, empathize with them, or fight for them the way that I do.   I luckily was reminded that the one thing that correlates with children recovering from trauma is their having one constant person who loves them.

There are times that all we can do as parents is put one foot in front of the other, slowly pushing forward.  We need to cut ourselves some slack and accept that we are not going to be perfect.  All we can do is our best.  We can learn from our own trauma experiences and give our children the best life we can!

Christle Roberts is the mother of two children with complicated needs.  When she is not parenting, she loves to crochet, knit, cook, and teach English Speakers of Other Languages (ESOL).   She hopes that sharing her story will help other parents who are raising high needs children.  

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Wide Open: Opening Up About My Trauma

May 10th, 2018

I hear my therapist ask me “what was it that brought these memories back up?”

I think about it for a minute. These repressed memories of sexual abuse were bound to pop up at some point now that I’m being open about my trauma. I knew the answer within a minute or so. “I was making a timeline of the emotional and verbal abuse he put me through, and then all of these repressed memories I’d tucked deep down kind of popped up as I was writing.

In my lifetime, I have been sexually assaulted, as well as emotionally,verbally, and sexually abused in a relationship. I hadn’t found the courage to talk about it until about August of 2017. It started with me in the car with one of my best friends. We were talking about my ex boyfriend and the words came flying out of my mouth, the words I hadn’t been brave enough to utter before then. “He was emotionally abusive towards me.” Back then, although I didn’t admit the other abuses, I still felt so free. I felt like I could start talking. My friend hugged me and said, “I’m glad you told me. It takes courage.”

My openness took a break in November of 2017, though, when I got a new therapist. She was extremely rude and had a serious lack of knowledge in trauma and abusive relationships. She asked the question therapists should know the answer to; “why didn’t you just leave?” I already had doubts about her, but this is why I stopped seeing her. If she couldn’t understand that concept, she wouldn’t understand anything about me.

I was hospitalized in January of 2018, and had to address a lot of the trauma I had endured. I had to work through challenges, including flashbacks and panic attacks, and I made it. I got out and am starting to thrive. I have two jobs, and am learning the most important two words I need to know and practice the most: self care.

Self care is the most important thing I do for myself. I write about my struggle. I talk to friends and others in my support network when I feel low. And, I’m learning that I have to stop blaming myself for what has been done to me. I am not the deeds that have been done to me. No, I am much kinder. I am a giving person, and I need to work more on realizing I am not at fault.

If you are, or have been, a victim of abuse, please realize you are not defined by your trauma. You are not to blame for what happened to you. There are people out there who understand. There are people who can and will support you through this. You are so strong, and I am so proud of you for how far you’ve come.

If anyone you love is, or has been, a victim of abuse, please realize there are some things you shouldn’t say. Pay attention to triggers. Ask them what is not acceptable to say, and what their specific triggers are. And most importantly, please respect their boundaries. If they tell you they are uncomfortable doing something or are uncomfortable with what you are doing or saying, respect it. It is extremely important.

Our young adult blogger chooses to remain anonymous. They like to sing and advocate for change.

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Breach of trust, breach of privacy

December 3rd, 2017

“I was walking down the aisle of the grocery store,” Greg said, “and in the next aisle I heard my son’s teacher telling someone the details of his abuse.”  I was driving Greg, a dad of three, to a local radio station where we were going to be on a talk show about children’s mental health.  We had only met over the phone and quickly told each other the brief version of our lives:  how many kids we had and what kind of mental health issues we grappled with.  The conversation quickly turned to our war stories, the stories of hardship and crisis, partly to prep for the interview.  That’s when Greg told me about overhearing the teacher.

Greg was a single father of two boys and a girl, all of whom had different diagnoses.  His second son, his middle child, had the most on his plate.  He’d had several psychiatric hospitalizations, rotated through several medications and bounced around among therapists.  Right now, Greg was trying to get his school system to see that the child they had enrolled a couple of years ago was a far different child with more serious needs.  He had debated with himself, then told the school the details of his son’s story, hoping it would create an “aha” moment.  I’m sure it did, but it also led to a privacy breach.

Greg and his wife had divorced when the children were small and they had gone to live with their mom and her new boyfriend.  He saw them irregularly.  Greg moved in and out of the state, had several jobs where he tried out a few things.  Some were successful, some weren’t.  Then one day he got a call saying there had been charges of physical and sexual abuse against his ex-wife’s boyfriend and could the children come live with him?  He immediately agreed, somehow thinking that his children would be the same as when they were preschoolers, just older versions of the children he had lived with every day.

They weren’t.  Each of them had been through a lot and expressed it differently.  His oldest son kept saying everything was fine but had nightmares at night.  His youngest, his daughter, was clingy and didn’t want to let him out of her sight.  His middle child had received the brunt of the abuse and alternated between hurting himself and exploding with pain and anger.  Greg, bless his heart, had to learn three different styles of parenting in very short order.

The day he heard the teacher telling someone the graphic details of his son’s abuse, the child was with him and heard it too.  The boy began sobbing and curling in on himself.  Greg told him to wait with the grocery cart and stalked over to the next aisle where he had a few choice words to say.  He felt a little better but he couldn’t unhear it and neither could his son.  Neither could the person who was told the story.

Parents tell me over and over again that they simply don’t trust school staff with their child’s mental health information or history.  They worry – without knowing Greg or his son – that something similar will happen and they fear it will hurt or infuriate them.  There are exceptions to this – parents report that they trust special education teachers and school nurses to a great degree.  Sometimes there are individual teachers who “get it” or have raised a challenging child of their own.  These are the people who translate the symptoms, like Greg’s son’s meltdowns, into working diagnoses and unmet needs.   But they seem to be a small group.

Things happen to children through no fault of their own, resulting in trauma and difficult behaviors.  Sometimes things happen within children, too, that are beyond their control, such as overwhelming moods or crushing anxiety or ping-ponging thoughts. Until they learn tools and strategies, behavior is often their only way to let others know how they are feeling and what their needs are.   In savvy schools, teachers, guidance counselors and aides can be “first identifiers” and spot the things that should concern us and raise the red flag.  In schools like the one Greg’s son attended, that seldom happens.

Parents worry a lot about privacy.  Information about us is collected by everyone, or so it seems, and your children’s information is gathered without their consent. (Often without a parent’s consent either.)  Some information doesn’t intrude into our lives very much so we shrug it off.  For instance, I really don’t care if my transponder tells EZPass how many times I’ve crossed a toll bridge or driven a certain highway. But other information is much more sensitive and can shape how people see us.  Personal mental health information still carries a powerful amount of stigma.

Some mental health advocates say that we should all tell our tales of mental health and mental illness openly. It is, they argue, the only way we will reduce stigma and raise awareness.  Every time I hear that, I think of Greg.  He thought by telling the school about his son’s trauma that he would create compassion.  He expected that the team working with his son would respect his privacy.  The day he heard the teacher talking in the next aisle and watched his son sobbing, he changed.  He learned to tell just enough but not everything.  He learned that sometimes the risk of sharing his story can be too great.  He learned that while our stories can create powerful change, emotional safety matters too.

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3 questions for the ‘program kid’

September 10th, 2017

Why don’t you like doing the things you once loved? Why do you shut down over seemingly basic things? Why does the GPS say 30 minutes but it takes you 45? These are questions I sometimes hear people ask me. The answers lay deep rooted in the long history of my life.

My name is Tom and I am a “program kid”. Over the past 11 years of my life I have been in over 20 residential settings, and over 15 schools. Some of them were good, some of them I can’t even begin to explain the trauma that has come from them. I won’t get into details, names, or locations. Though I hope to answer 3 questions I am often asked.

Question 1: “Why don’t you like doing the things you once loved?” When you arrive at a placement, they will try and get to know you and the things you enjoy. The first few times that was an easy question to answer. By the 7th or 8th program I didn’t want them to know me, and I didn’t want to know them. I’d had enough times doing the things I enjoyed and either being punished for it or judged. Unfortunately this only made me feel worse. I do enjoy the same things I once loved, but for much different reasons. I still love going fishing, for example. Not because I can be with my dad, but because I can be alone, in a quiet and peaceful environment. I still like wind in my hair because the white noise created by it rushing past my ears distracts me from the countless triggers around me.

Question 2:  “Why do you shut down over seemingly basic things?” You see, hear, and experience many things in program life. Most of it can be scary for a 7+ year old. So, when I hear glass breaking in the distance, “suddenly” my face goes ghost white and I can’t answer any questions. And when I hear someone scream or yelp in pain yet I’m the one in shock.

The best way to explain these happenings is with what I call a “time machine day dream” or better known as a “flashback.” It is as if I am picked up right out of my seat and placed in a program where glass shattered all over you and blood is everywhere. Screaming at night when a strange man walks in your room, but to no avail. I am barely able to write this, let alone experience it daily. This is why these seemingly basic things set me off.

Last, Question 3: “Why does the GPS say 30 minutes but it takes you 45”? The roads you take, I have been down. I will not, and cannot drive past that broken home one more time. The railroad tracks that are a simple non-occurance for you, remind me of a time I wish would be wiped from my memory. That pond over there? I almost drowned in it. This, and my photographic memory, consequentially make me extremely good with directions. I may be late, but I show up in a good space and ready to achieve the purpose of my visit.

I hope that these questions, one day, I will not be asked, and if so, my answer will be a simple, I do, I don’t, and I took 28 minutes, not 30. Until that day slowly comes, I hope that this gives some insight into how I live, and why.

Thomas Stewart is a member of Youth MOVE Massachusetts who enjoys creative arts and helping others.

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